George Carlin Quotes
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I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
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I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
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People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. You ever notice that? Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. And they all vote. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that they're the only ones who vote.
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
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Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? audience yells 'No' Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.
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Everything’s been sanitized now and cleaned up. First with these fucking Christians. You just start with them. You know. I’m so, you know. That’s just one, wait a minute now. Yeah, you know. Let’s not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes. I mean they’re just as fucking bad from a different direction.
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Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back-or I'm shittin' in the well!
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? (audience cheers) Good, well, fuck you! Just trying to make you feel at home.
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And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I'd say 'Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock.' And she'd say 'Well, I don't get off at all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!'
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Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see:
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
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I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of that asshole.
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.
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I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.