Eugene Mirman Quotes
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.
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High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
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You can do anything you want, as long as it works.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.
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You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
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I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?
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A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).
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It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.
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Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.