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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
Eugene Mirman -
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
Eugene Mirman
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You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.
Eugene Mirman -
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
Eugene Mirman -
Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.
Eugene Mirman -
In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Eugene Mirman -
I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.
Eugene Mirman -
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
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There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.
Eugene Mirman -
Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.
Eugene Mirman -
High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.
Eugene Mirman -
What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
Eugene Mirman -
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).
Eugene Mirman -
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
Eugene Mirman
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman -
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
Eugene Mirman -
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Eugene Mirman -
Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.
Eugene Mirman -
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Eugene Mirman -
You can do anything you want, as long as it works.
Eugene Mirman
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A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.
Eugene Mirman -
It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.
Eugene Mirman -
There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
Eugene Mirman -
Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.
Eugene Mirman