Eugene Mirman Quotes
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In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with you.' The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, 'I made this thing, and I'm going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.'
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing my fault, but it's actually simple.
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Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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You can do anything you want, as long as it works.
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There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.
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I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.