Eugene Mirman Quotes
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I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
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Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
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Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing my fault, but it's actually simple.
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When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.