Eugene Mirman Quotes
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing my fault, but it's actually simple.
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Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?