Eugene Mirman Quotes
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
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When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing my fault, but it's actually simple.
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There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.