Eugene Mirman Quotes
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).
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I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
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Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with you.' The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, 'I made this thing, and I'm going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.'
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
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Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing my fault, but it's actually simple.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.