Milton Berle Quotes
-
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
-
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
-
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
-
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
-
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
-
We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
-
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
-
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
-
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
-
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
-
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
-
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
-
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
-
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
-
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
-
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
-
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
-
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
-
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
-
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
-
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
-
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
-
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
-
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.