Milton Berle Quotes
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?