Milton Berle Quotes
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
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When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!