Milton Berle Quotes
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Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Laughter is an instant vacation.