Milton Berle Quotes
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.