Milton Berle Quotes
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.