Milton Berle Quotes
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Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.