Milton Berle Quotes
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
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I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!