Milton Berle Quotes
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
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Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.