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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
Milton Berle -
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
Milton Berle
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I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands.
Milton Berle -
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle -
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
Milton Berle -
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
Milton Berle -
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle -
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle
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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
Milton Berle -
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle -
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
Milton Berle -
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
Milton Berle -
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
Milton Berle -
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
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My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
Milton Berle -
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle -
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle -
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Milton Berle -
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Milton Berle -
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Milton Berle
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
Milton Berle -
Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
Milton Berle -
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Milton Berle -
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle