Milton Berle Quotes
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Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands.
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
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My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
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Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
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War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
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My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
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I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.