Milton Berle Quotes
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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Laughter is an instant vacation.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
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This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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A thing of beauty is a job forever.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!