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Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Milton Berle -
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Milton Berle
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Milton Berle -
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Milton Berle -
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle -
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle -
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle -
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Milton Berle
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Milton Berle -
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Milton Berle -
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
Milton Berle -
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Milton Berle -
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Milton Berle -
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle
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When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
Milton Berle -
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Milton Berle -
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle -
Laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle -
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle -
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Milton Berle -
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
Milton Berle -
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle -
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
Milton Berle