Milton Berle Quotes
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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
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Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
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Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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Laughter is an instant vacation.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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A thing of beauty is a job forever.
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This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.