Milton Berle Quotes
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The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
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Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
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Laughter is an instant vacation.
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When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
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My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
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This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
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A thing of beauty is a job forever.
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My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
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Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.