Milton Berle Quotes
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
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I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
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Laughter is an instant vacation.
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When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
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I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
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I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
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I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
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One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
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My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
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I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.
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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
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A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
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At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
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It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
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My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
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A thing of beauty is a job forever.
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I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.