Milton Berle Quotes
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
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Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.