Milton Berle Quotes
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.