Milton Berle Quotes
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
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I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands.
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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.