Milton Berle Quotes
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
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Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.