Milton Berle Quotes
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands.
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.