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I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
Milton Berle -
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle -
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
Milton Berle -
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Milton Berle -
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Milton Berle -
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Milton Berle -
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
Milton Berle
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle -
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle -
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Milton Berle -
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Milton Berle -
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
Milton Berle -
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Milton Berle
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle -
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle -
We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
Milton Berle -
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Milton Berle -
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle -
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
Milton Berle
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
Milton Berle -
Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
Milton Berle -
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle -
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle