Milton Berle Quotes
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
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Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
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Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
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My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
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I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.