Milton Berle Quotes
-
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
-
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
-
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
-
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
-
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
-
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
-
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
-
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
-
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
-
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
-
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
-
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
-
We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
-
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
-
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
-
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
-
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
-
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
-
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
-
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
-
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands.
-
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
-
Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
-
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.