Milton Berle Quotes
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
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For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.