Milton Berle Quotes
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
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Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
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My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
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Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
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We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
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Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
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Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
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I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
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Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
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They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
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I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
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My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?