Milton Berle Quotes
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It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
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My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.
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He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
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Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
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At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
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They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
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Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
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I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
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My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
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Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
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All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
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In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
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I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
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Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
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On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.