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It was better to be alone miserable. It was better to drown.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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There was this thing, this chaos inside me. And it had a noise, a howling. That’s what it was. I was nothing more than a dog or a coyote or any other animal in pain. And even then I was trying to speak. But my words weren’t any use in the face of the terrible wind that was escaping from my heart. I guess it was from my heart. It hurt so bad. Why did it hurt so bad?
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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Maybe life was just a series of phases—one phase after another after another. Maybe, in a couple of years, I’d be going through the same phase as the eighteen-year-old lifeguards. Not that I really believed in my mom’s phase theory. It didn’t sound like an explanation—it sounded like an excuse. I don’t think my mom got the whole guy thing. I didn’t get the guy thing either. And I was a guy.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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One of the secrets of the universe was that our instincts were sometimes stronger than our minds. Another secret of the universe: Sometimes pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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She thinks that life is crueler and more beautiful than she had ever imagined.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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Everywhere you went, you left something behind. Maybe someday he would come back and get it.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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Life had its seasons, and the season of letting go would always come, but there was something very beautiful in that, in the letting go. Leaves were always graceful as they floated away from the tree.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I sat in the truck and had to force myself to rejoin the party. I hated parties—even the ones thrown in my honor.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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Maybe kissing was part of the human condition.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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And the hurt was so deep that it was way beyond tears and so their faces were dry.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I was fifteen. I was bored. I was miserable.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I don't always have to understand the people I love.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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If you don't remember something, it doesn't hurt.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I thought masturbating was embarassing. I didn't even know why. It just was. It was like having sex with yourself. Having sex with yourself was really weird. Autoeroticism.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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It was a small idea. But at least the idea was mine.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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Healthy people have healthy boundaries. Unhealthy people, well, let’s not get into that. It’s like this: some people have walls which means they let no one in. This equals unhealthy. Some people let everyone in and let themselves be stepped all over. This equals unhealthy.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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People love a show, especially when freaks are involved.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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Somehow, miraculously, they forced themselves, told themselves they were going to live. They wrote themselves new lives. Fictions, perhaps, but what did it matter? They had kept the chaos at bay. They had managed to stop cursing the darkness. They’d lit a torch.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I wanted us to laugh forever.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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Maybe the sun had set. Maybe the rainbow had lifted—because the light was gone.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I’ll tell you a secret. I’m not responsible for whether my students care or don’t care. That care has to come from them—not me.” “Where does that leave you?” “No matter what, Ari, my job is to care.” “Even when they don’t?” “Even when they don’t.” “No matter what?” “No matter what.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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I took out my journal. I'd been avoiding writing in it. I think I was afraid all my anger would spill out on the pages. And I just didn't want to look at all that rage. It was a different kind of pain. A pain I couldn't stand. I tried not to think. I just started writing.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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In order to be wildly popular you had to make people believe that you were fun and interesting I just wasn't that much of a con artist.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
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As I nodded my head to the beat, I started wondering what had gone through Richie Valens’s head before the plane crashed into the unforgiving ground. Hey, Buddy! The music’s over. For the music to be over so soon. For the music to be over when it had just begun. That was really sad.
Benjamin Alire Saenz
