Chic Murray Quotes
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My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
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A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
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I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
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I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
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I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
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This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
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We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
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A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
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My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
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I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
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It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
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The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
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I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
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She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
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My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
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My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
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The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
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I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."
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I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
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I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
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I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
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My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
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I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
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After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.