P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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[Wave of bestselling conservative commentators] it's kind of like reading The Power Of Positive Thinking, or any other advice or how-to book. All they do is reassure people of their basic opinions, and then they can continue to act like they've always acted. I'd say it's time to move on to something else, but I don't know what it would be.
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One thing that's certain about going outdoors: When you come back inside, you'll be scratching.
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In the past a man was expected to give his seat on a bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for that man to give her his job.
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It takes a lot of weapons to do good works (as Richard the Lionhearted could have told us). And this is not just a Somali problem. We have poverty and deprivation in our own country. Try standing unarmed on a street corner in Compton handing out twenty-dollar bills and see how long you last.
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A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible.
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Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.
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The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.
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Industrialization came to England but has since left.
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The typical old-fashioned diet was so bad it almost resembled modern dieting.
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Man has been breeding livestock for ten thousand years and has yet to come up with a monstrous sheep that can trample buildings and graze a whole golf course for breakfast.
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Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven't been.
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People with a mission to save the earth want the earth to seem worse than it is so their mission will look more important.
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In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter.
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I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about.
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Although computer-generated artificial intelligence eludes us, artificial stupidity has been perfected.
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We're told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?
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There are lots of levels of fear and complaint about the government getting involved in business. First and foremost, of course, is incompetence.
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How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?
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Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening.
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The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to collectivists, to people who believe that wealth is best obtained by redistribution, and that message is clear and concise . . . Egalitarianism is sinful; it's also cowardly.
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In the end we beat them with Levi's 501 jeans. Seventy-two years of communist indoctrination and propaganda was drowned out by a three-ounce Sony Walkman. A huge totalitarian system...has been brought to its knees because nobody wants to wear Bulgarian shoes. Now they're lunch, and we're number one on the planet.
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Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.
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If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.
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You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.