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A child growing up in an excessively safe environment may never learn that he is one - not until he gets married and has a wife to tell him so.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Creative writing teachers should be purged until every last instructor who has uttered the words 'Write what you know' is confined to a labor camp. Please, talented scribblers, write what you don't. The blind guy with the funny little harp who composed The Iliad, how much combat do you think he saw?
P. J. O'Rourke
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Sloths move at the speed of congressional debate but with greater deliberation and less noise.
P. J. O'Rourke -
There are lots of levels of fear and complaint about the government getting involved in business. First and foremost, of course, is incompetence.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Traffic was like a bad dog. It wasn't important to look both ways when crossing the street; it was important to not show fear.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.
P. J. O'Rourke -
A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.
P. J. O'Rourke -
The foundation of collectivism is simple: There should be no important economic differences among people. No one should be too rich.
P. J. O'Rourke
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That doesn't mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.
P. J. O'Rourke -
When a thing defies physical law, there's usually politics involved.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Bureaucrats want bigger bureaus. Special interests are interested in whatever's special to them. These two groups bring great pressure to bear upon politicians who have another agenda yet: to cater to the temporary whims and fads of the public and the press.
P. J. O'Rourke -
There are a lot of mysterious things about boats, such as why anyone would get on one voluntarily.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Humor is a terrific tool for explaining things, especially when what you're explaining is frightening or dull and complicated.
P. J. O'Rourke -
The key ingredient of politics is the idea that all of society's ills can be cured politically. It's like a cookbook where the recipe for everything is to fry it. The fruit cocktail is fried.
P. J. O'Rourke
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The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.
P. J. O'Rourke -
In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Michael O'Donoghue was a very close friend of mine - very encouraging with my stuff, and really a great guy - but he was a no-kidding difficult person.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.
P. J. O'Rourke
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One of the problems with being a writer is that all of your idiocies are still in print somewhere. I strongly support paper recycling.
P. J. O'Rourke -
The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to collectivists, to people who believe that wealth is best obtained by redistribution, and that message is clear and concise . . . Egalitarianism is sinful; it's also cowardly.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I don't see evidence of America being a poorer country than it was 20 years ago. I've seen impoverished devastation. I've seen places where things had been good and now they were very bad.
P. J. O'Rourke