P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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One thing that's certain about going outdoors: When you come back inside, you'll be scratching.
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I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about.
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Moore's new book, Dude, Where's My Country?, contains ten chapters of fulminations convincing the convinced. However, Moore does include one chapter on how to argue with a conservative. As if. Approached by someone like Michael Moore, a conservative would drop a quarter in Moore's Starbucks cup and hurriedly walk away.
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When a private entity does not produce the desired results, it is (certain body parts excepted) done away with. But a public entity gets bigger.
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The foundation of collectivism is simple: There should be no important economic differences among people. No one should be too rich.
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In the past a man was expected to give his seat on a bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for that man to give her his job.
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Wherever there's injustice, oppression, and suffering, America will show up six months late and bomb the country next to where it's happening.
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I live in rural New Hampshire, and we are, frankly, short on people who are black, gay, Jewish, and Hispanic. In fact, we're short on people. My town has a population of 301.
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And, by the way, how come all the people who were so in favor of unilateral nuclear disarmament are so opposed to unilateral protection against nukes?
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It takes a lot of weapons to do good works (as Richard the Lionhearted could have told us). And this is not just a Somali problem. We have poverty and deprivation in our own country. Try standing unarmed on a street corner in Compton handing out twenty-dollar bills and see how long you last.
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Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.
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Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.
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A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible.
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Journalists aren't supposed to praise things. It's a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.
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I figured if I could put together being funny about stuff and actual events, maybe I could do something that wasn't being done much. Because the reporters that I met out there were funny, and they had hilarious stories that just didn't fit in the AP/UPI/New York Times foreign-correspondent style. They couldn't use the things they had. But I could.
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That doesn't mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.
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Traffic was like a bad dog. It wasn't important to look both ways when crossing the street; it was important to not show fear.
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I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.
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The most brilliant satire of all time was 'A Modest Proposal' by Jonathan Swift. You'll notice how everything got straightened out in Ireland within days of that coming out.
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Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.
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There are lots of levels of fear and complaint about the government getting involved in business. First and foremost, of course, is incompetence.
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The Lampoon started in 1970, and I began writing freelance for them around the end of 1971, and then all through '72. They hired me in '73, and I left early in '81. I did everything from low puns to being editor-in-chief.
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The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm.
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[Wave of bestselling conservative commentators] it's kind of like reading The Power Of Positive Thinking, or any other advice or how-to book. All they do is reassure people of their basic opinions, and then they can continue to act like they've always acted. I'd say it's time to move on to something else, but I don't know what it would be.