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Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
P. J. O'Rourke -
The most brilliant satire of all time was 'A Modest Proposal' by Jonathan Swift. You'll notice how everything got straightened out in Ireland within days of that coming out.
P. J. O'Rourke
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There is parody, when you make fun of people who are smarter than you; satire, when you make fun of people who are richer than you; and burlesque, when you make fun of both while taking your clothes off.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was right.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I suspect the Haitian Ministry of Health's principal contribution to health in Haiti is providing nice, healthy jobs to those Haitians with the connection to get them.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I was never in the office [of Rolling Stone]. It was very different from Lampoon, where we spent a lot of time together socially, which is to say "drunk."
P. J. O'Rourke -
In fact, safety has no place anywhere. Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow (an appalling animal to watch at the trotters.) And everything that isn't fun is dangerous too. It is impossible to be alive and safe.
P. J. O'Rourke
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If the politics of disease are to be understood, particularly in the dreadful countries where this understanding is most needed, then the politics of total collapse have to be understood first.
P. J. O'Rourke -
There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as 'caring' and 'sensitive' because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money.
P. J. O'Rourke -
One thing that's certain about going outdoors: When you come back inside, you'll be scratching.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Every generation finds the drug it needs.
P. J. O'Rourke -
A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.
P. J. O'Rourke -
In thirteen years, every aspect of the universe can change - ask a thirteen-year-old.
P. J. O'Rourke
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In Japan people drive on the left. In China people drive on the right. In Vietnam it doesn't matter.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Why can't death - if we must have it - be always glorious, as in 'The Iliad?'
P. J. O'Rourke -
I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke."
P. J. O'Rourke -
A deadly sins addendum is long overdue. Life has changed since Pope Gregory the Great scribbled his initial list in the sixth century.
P. J. O'Rourke -
I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about.
P. J. O'Rourke -
When a private entity does not produce the desired results, it is (certain body parts excepted) done away with. But a public entity gets bigger.
P. J. O'Rourke
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I don't mind America becoming a Third World country. The weather is better in the Third World than it is where I live in New Hampshire. And household help will be much cheaper.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Civilization is an enormous improvement on the lack thereof.
P. J. O'Rourke -
Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.
P. J. O'Rourke -
There is a fine line in the Third World between half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe and half a dozen customs officials waiting for you to offer them a bribe so they can throw you in jail.
P. J. O'Rourke