J. B. Smoove Quotes
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Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.
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I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.
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I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.
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I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
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You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' – the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
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When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.
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When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
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True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.
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You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.
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I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.
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My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.
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I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.
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It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.
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I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.
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If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
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You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?
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You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.
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When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'
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Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.
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I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.
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I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!
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You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.
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People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.
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I could never live with you; not 'cause I'm racist or nothing. It's just 'cause as a black man in America, I need to have someone I can come home and complain about white people to. And that just don't work with my white wife.