J. B. Smoove Quotes
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Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.
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You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' – the variety of characters was so amazing to me.
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I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.
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My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.
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Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.
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When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
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I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.
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You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.
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True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.
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When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.
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Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.
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I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.
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It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.
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I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.
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If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
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You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.
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You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.
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You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?
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Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.
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I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.
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I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!
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When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'
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I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.
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I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.