Les Dawson Quotes
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I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
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The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'
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My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
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You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.
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I know my name will always be linked with women.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
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When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
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Slumps don't bother me.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.