Artie Lange Quotes
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You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'
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Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
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When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.
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I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.
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Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.
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It's good to be alive.
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When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.
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The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.
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I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
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As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.
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A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
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I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
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When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.
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Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
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Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
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I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
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I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.
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Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.
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If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
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I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'
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But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
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The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?
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Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
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Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.