Artie Lange Quotes
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When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.
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I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
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You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'
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I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.
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When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.
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The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.
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I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
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As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.
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Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.
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Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.
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Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
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When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.
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Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.
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Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.
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Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
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I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'
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Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
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Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.
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A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
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I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.
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The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?
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I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
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But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
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The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.