Artie Lange Quotes
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I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
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I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
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I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
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Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.
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I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.
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For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.
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I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
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It's good to be alive.
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Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
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I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
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Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
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My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.
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When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.
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Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.
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As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.
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Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.
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The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.
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Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.
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A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
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Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
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Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
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At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota.
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Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
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Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.