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I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
Artie Lange -
Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.
Artie Lange
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I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
Artie Lange -
I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.
Artie Lange -
You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'
Artie Lange -
The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons.
Artie Lange -
Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.
Artie Lange -
Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.
Artie Lange
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I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.
Artie Lange -
Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
Artie Lange -
Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.
Artie Lange -
Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.
Artie Lange -
I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
Artie Lange -
When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.
Artie Lange
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A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.
Artie Lange -
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
Artie Lange -
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
Artie Lange -
Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.
Artie Lange -
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
Artie Lange -
When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.
Artie Lange
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As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we needed. My life was so fun and carefree that I didn't realize at all that we weren't rich - until I met someone rich. Still, I've never met a rich kid who grew up as happy as I did.
Artie Lange -
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
Artie Lange -
If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
Artie Lange -
Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
Artie Lange