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Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.
Artie Lange -
The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?
Artie Lange
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My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.
Artie Lange -
Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
Artie Lange -
I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'
Artie Lange -
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
Artie Lange -
Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.
Artie Lange -
It's about softball, ... How as the guys get older and the relationships change, and softball is the only thing keeping them together.
Artie Lange
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It's good to be alive.
Artie Lange -
I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
Artie Lange -
I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
Artie Lange -
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota.
Artie Lange -
You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.
Artie Lange -
I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
Artie Lange
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By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
Artie Lange -
When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.
Artie Lange -
Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
Artie Lange -
Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
Artie Lange -
Whiskey will always be a part of my life.
Artie Lange -
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that
Artie Lange
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My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?
Artie Lange -
'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
Artie Lange -
My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.
Artie Lange -
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
Artie Lange