Artie Lange Quotes
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Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
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Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.
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When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.
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'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
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The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
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Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
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It's about softball, ... How as the guys get older and the relationships change, and softball is the only thing keeping them together.
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I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
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I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.
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My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.
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My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.
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I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
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I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
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I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
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Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.
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Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
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If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
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At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota.
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A big part of my living is my stand-up material on the road.
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By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
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You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.
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Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that
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I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
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Whiskey will always be a part of my life.