Artie Lange Quotes
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I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'
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The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
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Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
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Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
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But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
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Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.
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Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
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At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota.
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Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
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I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.
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When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.
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The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
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'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
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A big part of my living is my stand-up material on the road.
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It's about softball, ... How as the guys get older and the relationships change, and softball is the only thing keeping them together.
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Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
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Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.
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My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.
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I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
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I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
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By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
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I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
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If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
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Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that