Artie Lange Quotes
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The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
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If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
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I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
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I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
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Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.
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It's about softball, ... How as the guys get older and the relationships change, and softball is the only thing keeping them together.
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Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
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I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
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Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
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I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.
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Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
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When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.
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If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
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At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota.
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I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
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By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.
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'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
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My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.
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My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.
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You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.
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My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?
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Whiskey will always be a part of my life.
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Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that
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The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.