Artie Lange Quotes
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Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
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Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.
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If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
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A big part of my living is my stand-up material on the road.
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Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
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But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
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All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.
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I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'
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The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life?
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Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.
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I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.
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If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?
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Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.
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I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
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The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
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I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.
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People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family of fans, and I was lucky to be a part of that for a while.
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Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
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'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
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I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.
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When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.
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When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.
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I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.
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The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.