Artie Lange Quotes
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Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
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I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.
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When I was a kid, I was into The New York Jets. And then I got into girls as I got older, and then I got back into the Jets because I'd realized there's times when the girl won't f*^k you, but the Jets will always f*^k you.
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When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.
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I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
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And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
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Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.
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You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.
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I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.
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You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'
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I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.
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Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.
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When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.
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When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.
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Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.
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To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!
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Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.
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In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.
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I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it.
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It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.
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Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
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Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
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I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
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I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.