Conan O'Brien Quotes
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Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.
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Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday.
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Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.
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Scientists have found a way to keep middle-aged female mice from going through menopause. Now they're working on a way to keep middle-aged male mice from buying expensive sports cars.
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The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.
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Spread your hate. It'll last a lifetime.
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Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.
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Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States.
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Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation.
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Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.
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Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'
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They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
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Don't thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn't be in show business. Don't say, 'Wow, this is heavy.' Of course it's heavy. It contains the shattered dreams of four other people.
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I went through some stuff. And I got very depressed at times. It was like a marriage breaking up suddenly, violently, quickly. And I was just trying to figure out what happened. When we started putting this tour together, I started to feel better almost immediately. And then this there is this, there is almost no better antidote to what I"ve just been through than to do this every night.
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A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'
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Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it.
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I was sixty-six years old. I still had to make a living. I looked at my social security check of 105 dollars and decided to use that to try to franchise my chicken recipe. Folks had always liked my chicken.
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I've always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, 'You should be getting to bed now.'
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Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.
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Taco Bell is going to start selling nachos and chicken nuggets wrapped in a tortilla. In other words, thank God we're going to keep Obamacare.
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According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.
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In the Year 2000 due to the declining number of champions in the world, Wheaties will change its slogan to 'Breakfast of Sexual Deviants.
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I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.
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St.Patrick's Day is named for St. Patrick, the first guy to feed Guinness to a snake.