Conan O'Brien Quotes
- All Quotes
-
Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.
-
In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'
-
Howard Dean came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in New Hampshire.'
-
It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.
-
I like being tested. I get as scared as anyone. But the feeling of putting yourself on the line, betting on your talent and having it work; that's the most exhilarating feeling in the world.
-
The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.
-
Happy Cinco de Mayo! It’s a holiday that’s as respectful of Mexican traditions as Epcot Center’s Mexican food pavilion.
-
I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.
-
According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.
-
A new report just came out that says President Obama has mentioned Jesus Christ in more speeches than President Bush did. Can you believe that? Still, neither has used the phrase 'Oh God, oh God,' more than President Clinton.
-
I went through some stuff. And I got very depressed at times. It was like a marriage breaking up suddenly, violently, quickly. And I was just trying to figure out what happened. When we started putting this tour together, I started to feel better almost immediately. And then this there is this, there is almost no better antidote to what I"ve just been through than to do this every night.
-
Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'
-
The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'
-
Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.
-
Dropkick Murphys, everybody! That's a band!
-
Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.'
-
The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing.
-
It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'
-
Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.
-
I dont need a pardon. I need a job.
-
Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.
-
Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.
-
John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
-
Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can't write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that's not going to happen.