Conan O'Brien Quotes
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Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.
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At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'
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The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare - which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.
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President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd like to encourage you to do some shopping while you're here.' I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming.
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In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!
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In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.
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Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, 'That locks down the Hispanic vote.'
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I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.
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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
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In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.
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Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.
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Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.
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Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman.
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A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.
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Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama's campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they've registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.
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Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?
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A comic book publisher says he's trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins.
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Real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen.
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At the economic summit in China, Vladimir Putin is being accused of flirting with the first lady of China. Then again, Putin does have a history of not respecting boundaries.
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I've always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, 'You should be getting to bed now.'
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Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he's getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: 'Vote Trump to prevent another Trump.'
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Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you.
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Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be.
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Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.