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President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.
Conan O'Brien -
Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.
Conan O'Brien
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Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be.
Conan O'Brien -
President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'
Conan O'Brien -
Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy's to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there were high winds and Trump's hair nearly killed two people.
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Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters.
Conan O'Brien -
There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.
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Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.
Conan O'Brien
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I'd kill for 'somewhat frosty.'
Conan O'Brien -
Link Wray is the all-time legend.
Conan O'Brien -
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.
Conan O'Brien -
The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!
Conan O'Brien -
I think in future people will take television in eyedrop form. All media will be in eyedrops.
Conan O'Brien -
Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'
Conan O'Brien
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President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.
Conan O'Brien -
In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
Conan O'Brien -
In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!
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President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.
Conan O'Brien -
Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.
Conan O'Brien -
In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.
Conan O'Brien
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Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
Conan O'Brien -
There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother.
Conan O'Brien -
Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread.
Conan O'Brien -
Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said 'I will not let you down.' Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress.
Conan O'Brien