Conan O'Brien Quotes
- All Quotes
-
A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.
-
Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said 'I will not let you down.' Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress.
-
Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.
-
Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.
-
I have an abacus at home.
-
'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
-
The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix.
-
The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'
-
President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, 'After those midterms, it's nice to finally see a friendly face.'
-
In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.
-
Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he's on more drugs than Barry Bonds.
-
According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.
-
Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
-
Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.
-
Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.
-
Thousands of Mexicans gathered in Mexico City to protest high food prices. The protest only lasted an hour, because everyone had to leave for their jobs in Los Angeles
-
Over the weekend, former Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter married each other during a huge ceremony in Houston. The happy couple is planning to honeymoon for three weeks in front of Congress.
-
The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare - which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.
-
In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.
-
Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.
-
The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'
-
The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!
-
There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.
-
You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people.