Conan O'Brien Quotes
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Thousands of Mexicans gathered in Mexico City to protest high food prices. The protest only lasted an hour, because everyone had to leave for their jobs in Los Angeles
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Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'
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Donald Trump insisted yesterday that he is not racist, because one time an African-American won Apprentice. Because nothing says 'not racist' like making a black man run your errands.
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'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'
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In the Year 2000 men will finally discover that the reason women go to the bathroom in pairs... is to make out.
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Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make.
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Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.
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There's no cure for getting depressed. There's no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more.
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Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.
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According to a CNN poll, Trump nearly doubled his support from March. Actually, he just combed his March numbers over his current ones.
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The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!
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California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid.
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A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.
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The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'
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One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth.
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Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.
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The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.
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The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.
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First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don't worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK.
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Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread.
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The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
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I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as 'Slutty Madeleine Albright.'