Conan O'Brien Quotes
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The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix.
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'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
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In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.
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Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people.
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Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.
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Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'
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According to new statistics, Pope Francis is the most talked about person on the Internet. And not only that, he has the most viewed profile on Christian Mingle.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said 'I will not let you down.' Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress.
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Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.
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Barry Bonds in the news. Yesterday Barry Bonds' agent said that Bonds could hit as many as 1,000 home runs. And the agent admitted he's on more drugs than Barry Bonds.
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In Sarah Palin's new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, 'Thank you, God,' which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.
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There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother.
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Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
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Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?
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Thousands of Mexicans gathered in Mexico City to protest high food prices. The protest only lasted an hour, because everyone had to leave for their jobs in Los Angeles
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President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, 'After those midterms, it's nice to finally see a friendly face.'
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The hockey lockout of 1994 - 1995 has been settled. They have stopped bickering... and can now get down to some serious bloodshed!
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The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.
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Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.
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Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time.
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Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name 'Microsoft Windows.'
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Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private.
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This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison.