Conan O'Brien Quotes
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They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
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Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
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There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for governor.
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President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'
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Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'
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First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don't worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK.
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Over the weekend, former Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter married each other during a huge ceremony in Houston. The happy couple is planning to honeymoon for three weeks in front of Congress.
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The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'
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Congress is debating a kill switch that would allow President Obama to freeze all activity on the internet if there was a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret code name 'Microsoft Windows.'
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This is serious, if Martha gets the maximum sentence on all counts, she could serve 20 years in prison. Of course, you have to take off time off for good behavior, which means 20 years in prison.
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Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
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This week Disney opened its first ever theme park in China. More than ten thousand children showed up on opening day. And that was just to make the T-shirts.
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On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'
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The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.
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Link Wray is the all-time legend.
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Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.
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It was reported today that former Governor Howard Dean raised $14 million dollars in campaign funds mostly over the Internet. Of course, Dean's success could be contributed to his Web site: www.wetboobies.
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California Marijuana farmers are worried that radiation from Japan could affect their crops. Or maybe for some strange reason they're just being paranoid.
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Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread.
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NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that's 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan's funeral.
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In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another 'Sex in the City' movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered - there's only so much they can take.
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President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.
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I'd kill for 'somewhat frosty.'