Conan O'Brien Quotes
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I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.
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The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
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Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn't chop down trees to make a book that no one will read.
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In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'
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I picked out my Halloween costume. I’m going as 'Slutty Madeleine Albright.'
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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
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The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.
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Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot ... to legalizing pot.
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Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.
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Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, 'I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'
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This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!
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The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It's historic - the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord.
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The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.
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A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.
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Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'
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Thousands of Mexicans gathered in Mexico City to protest high food prices. The protest only lasted an hour, because everyone had to leave for their jobs in Los Angeles
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Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
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Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it's a drunk Secret Service agent.
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Yesterday, after the Thanksgiving parade, Donald Trump appeared at Macy's to promote his new line of fragrances and business suits. Unfortunately, there were high winds and Trump's hair nearly killed two people.
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If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.
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Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'
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The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they're doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates.
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Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.
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Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off.