Conan O'Brien Quotes
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Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets' doctor said, 'We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.'
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It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, 'That's my boy.'
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Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, 'Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are.'
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For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.
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Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.
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It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'
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Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.
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Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.
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Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win.
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Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up.
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It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.
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Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses.
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When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer.
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Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be.
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Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.
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It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.
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Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'
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A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'
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All I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.
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To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside.
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People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.
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Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr.
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Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is 'a totally unqualified nuisance.' In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.
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People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.