Conan O'Brien Quotes
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Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win.
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When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer.
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North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch 'Wheel of Fortune.'
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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama's speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.
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It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'
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People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited.
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North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'
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Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.
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All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren't deciphered until this week.
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People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
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George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.
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Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.
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Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.
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Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair.
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President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, 'After those midterms, it's nice to finally see a friendly face.'
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The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.' They just want that money; they don't care. That's without mud flaps.
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In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.
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After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are - and I will eliminate them.'
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President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.
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This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces.
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Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said 'yes.'
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According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.
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Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.