Conan O'Brien Quotes
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The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren't deciphered until this week.
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Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.
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People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited.
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Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.
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People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
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Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.
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During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.
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Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote.
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Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.
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The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.
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North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'
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Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera.
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Sales of George Orwell's 1984 have skyrocketed. It's true. So the fallout from the (NSA spying) scandal is worse than we thought. It's forcing Americans to read.
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Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
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George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.
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This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
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President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.
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Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.
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I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.
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The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC.
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Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.
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President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.
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Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said 'yes.'