Conan O'Brien Quotes
- All Quotes
-
Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.'
-
Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.
-
The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.' They just want that money; they don't care. That's without mud flaps.
-
The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'
-
People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited.
-
Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.
-
Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.
-
During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.
-
People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
-
Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera.
-
Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote.
-
Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.
-
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
-
The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.
-
Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.
-
Sales of George Orwell's 1984 have skyrocketed. It's true. So the fallout from the (NSA spying) scandal is worse than we thought. It's forcing Americans to read.
-
North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to 'Gangnam Style.'
-
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.
-
President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.
-
George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy.
-
This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
-
Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.
-
Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair.
-
The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC.