Bill Hicks Quotes
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People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping 'Aren't humanity neat?' bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
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I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
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Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
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… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
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People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime — who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'
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The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.
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The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.
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How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
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on the Gulf War I was in the unenviable position of being for the war, but against the troops.
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They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
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How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.
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Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact! … I'll prove it to you. If you're at a ball game or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? The crowd answers 'Drunk.' Wow! We all know the truth.
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I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
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Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately...no one doubts my existence.
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I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.
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If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.
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If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
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All governments are lying cocksuckers.
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I am available for children's parties, by the way.
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I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
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Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.
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People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.
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I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fuckin' bastard.