Bill Hicks Quotes
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People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping 'Aren't humanity neat?' bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
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Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
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The idea of getting a, you know, syringe full of heroin and shooting it in the vein under my cock right now seems like almost a productive act.
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I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, 'Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.' This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
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on the Gulf War I was in the unenviable position of being for the war, but against the troops.
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Pot is a better drug than alcohol. Fact! … I'll prove it to you. If you're at a ball game or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? The crowd answers 'Drunk.' Wow! We all know the truth.
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I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.
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How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me.
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All governments are lying cocksuckers.
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… We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
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People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime — who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'
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They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
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How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? ...Seventy percent. What the fuck? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
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The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
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I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
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If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.
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Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately...no one doubts my existence.
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If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
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Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.
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There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
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I am available for children's parties, by the way.
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Those guys in the Persian Gulf War were in hog heaven, man. They had a weapons catalog, 'What's G-12 do, Tommy?' 'Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps pay for the war effort.' Well, shit, pull that one up!' 'Pull up G-12, please.' sound of a missile launch, several beats, then an explosion '...Cool. What's G-13 do?'
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Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.