Demetri Martin Quotes
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A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
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Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
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I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
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People only have so much attention.