Demetri Martin Quotes
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
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It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
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I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
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I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
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People only have so much attention.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.