Demetri Martin Quotes
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
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But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.
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I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
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I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
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And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.