Sam Kinison Quotes
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Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like 'aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.' She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: 'OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH,' and you're going 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G'.
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Rock Hudson was on his deathbed, going, 'It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before-dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem-IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!'
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Oh, God, will you SHUT UP! GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! YOU'RE HIS WHORE! OH! OHHHH!
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Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
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How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
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YOU LYING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!
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Oh, god, where's the fuckin' bottle, you fuckin' whore?! DID HE FUCK YOU WITH THIS TOO?! Yes- OH, SHUT UP!!! HE DID EVERYTHING TO YOU, OH, GOD!!!!
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On the Kurds They're the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!
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'Here's my man! It doesn't have to stay out and party with his guys!' 'Here, let me see that...It doesn't seem to be able to pick up the fucking check, does it?'
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I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
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Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
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Everything can be satirized.
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Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and...hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's DICK IN MY ASS! Oh, GOD!!! I'M DEAD!!! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends! OH! OHHH!!!
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I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med!
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Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
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I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.
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I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
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We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!
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I have lived a carnal life.
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AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
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Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
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I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.
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My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
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Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.