Sam Kinison Quotes
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Rock Hudson was on his deathbed, going, 'It was that last fucking dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before-dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem-IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!'
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Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like 'aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.' She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: 'OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH,' and you're going 'A, B, C, D, E, F, G'.
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Oh, god, where's the fuckin' bottle, you fuckin' whore?! DID HE FUCK YOU WITH THIS TOO?! Yes- OH, SHUT UP!!! HE DID EVERYTHING TO YOU, OH, GOD!!!!
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How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
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I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! Hell would be like Club Med!
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Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
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YOU LYING WHORE!!! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! DIE! DIE! DIE! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!
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Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
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I have lived a carnal life.
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Oh, God, will you SHUT UP! GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! YOU'RE HIS WHORE! OH! OHHHH!
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I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
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Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
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I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.
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I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.
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We don't WANT to drink and drive ... But there's no other way to get the fucking CAR back to the HOUSE!! How are we supposed to get fucking home??!!
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Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
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My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
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AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
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I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
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Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
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Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
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The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring back our fuckin' FLAG, asshole! Show us some moon rocks, or kiss this.
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Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and...hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's DICK IN MY ASS! Oh, GOD!!! I'M DEAD!!! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends! OH! OHHH!!!
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I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.