Sam Kinison Quotes
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Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
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Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
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I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.
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The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring back our fuckin' FLAG, asshole! Show us some moon rocks, or kiss this.
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My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
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Anyone can go out on stage and start beating people over the head with rubber chickens. That'll get people's attention.
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In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
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I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
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When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
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Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.
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There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, 'It's a shame that he has to die.' And Jesus is saying, 'Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!'
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Just because I do a few comedy bits about gay people, that does not mean I'm out there promoting some anti-gay cause.
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If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
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I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.
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I'm attracted to heartbreakers.
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Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
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I'm a comedian, and my comedy has never endorsed violence towards gays.
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It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that.
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I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.
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I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
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What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?
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If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
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'I just got shot in the ass with an infected load of semen! Who's the smart-ass?'