Jim Gaffigan Quotes
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan
Quotes to Explore
You know what? At the end of the day, funny is funny. I hope to see the end of all the female cliches that are written in a lot of comedies that are named chick flicks.
Wendi McLendon-Covey
Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
Isaac Asimov
I don't have the looks to compete at a bar, and I'm not that funny. So the last thing I want is to be in a situation where that's what I'm competing on. I'd rather be on OkCupid or Match, where I can write a 300-word essay about myself that's really good.
Sam Yagan
A lot of newspaper columns used to be written in a rat-a-tat-tat, fast-paced style - and they tended to be funny. They were a little relief from the grimmer, grayer parts of the newspaper, and one of the best people at doing this was Will Rogers.
P. J. O'Rourke
Whenever I'm in the U.K., people say I have an American accent. Which is, obviously, funny.
Anton Zaslavski
But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.
Wanda Sykes
Through everything I've gone through- and I've been everywhere, at the top of the world, in jail, hung over drunk - I never gave up my dream of winning a gold medal in the Olympics.
Dan O'Brien
My CIA colleagues were smart, dedicated, funny, and creative. Yes, there was sometimes stifling bureaucracy, boredom, colleagues who never should have been there, and later, deeply disturbing stories of the CIA's involvement in torture. Still, I got to do work I thought was incredibly important and, many times, had fun doing it.
Valerie Plame
My dad is a really funny guy, and we would make jokes about my leukemia. When my friends would come over, we would joke about it, too.
Vanessa Bayer
Literary dementia seems dated now, but there was a time when a month in the funny farm was as de rigueur for budding writers as an M.F.A. is now. To be sent away was a badge of honor; to undergo electroshock, a glorious martyrdom.
Walter Kirn
I think it would be funny for people to read in obituaries of me that my major contribution to the arts was the popularization of the phrases 'neutral facial expression' and 'screaming in agony.'
Tao Lin
I think luck is a great part of it because I think that the particular makeup of the person that you are attracted to, and that you fall in love with, is very important. Even down to that old bromide of a sense of humor and all of that.
Jack Lemmon
The less lines, the better. I am the silent film actor, but not in a slapstick sort of way. Film is an image-based medium, so whatever you can say without the words is far more provocative and punctuating. If the lines are not funny or if they don't advance the story, sometimes it's hard. I hate talk in movies.
Callum Keith Rennie
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it's absolutely true.
Edmund Hillary
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West
The funny thing is that I'm the girl who no one sees at the beach. Ask anyone who's traveled with me. Normally, I'm in so many layers, I look like Lawrence of Arabia!
Vera Wang
I think if you're fame-hungry, go out to a nightclub and get drunk... why do that? I don't understand how some people would want fame so bad that they'd go out and get negative attention to earn it.
Zac Efron
