Jim Gaffigan Quotes
Quotes to Explore
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I get tired of comedies where there are a bunch of funny guys and a beautiful woman who doesn't do anything funny. And I don't like books where there's a rough-and-tumble boy and a really clever, snotty girl. That's just not my experience with teenagers.
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I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.
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I always get sick of these conversations where people are so obsessed with pixels, with high definition, and even with technology in general. I find it just dull and heartless. And so I wanted to use only the worst machines.
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Most people, when they hear the disease name, it's all they know about it. It sounds so mild. When I first was sick, for the first 10 years or so, I was dismissed. I was ridiculed and told I was lazy. It was a joke.
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The Midwest breeds funny, eccentric people, to varying degrees. You play shows not because you're expecting to get a record deal, but to do something fun outside of mowing lawns. Everything else is just gravy... Or mustard.
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My biggest nightmare is I'm driving home and get sick and go to hospital. I say: 'Please help me.' And the people say: 'Hey, you look like...' And I'm dying while they're wondering whether I'm Barbra Streisand.
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It's only I have seen enough of it and the funny thing is now, I know that I'm skinny, because I know there are even smaller clothes in the store. I think I'm big, when I was big, I never thought about it.
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Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.
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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
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Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures.
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I like children - fried.
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The best way to make your audience laugh is to start laughing yourself.
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Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious.
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I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it's absolutely true.
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Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.
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I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
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I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
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Daddy was hilarious. He could take the most mundane event and tell it so that we all on the floor laughing. He trained me in the joys of humor.
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But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.
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Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.
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The person who sends out positive thoughts activates the world around him positively and draws back to himself positive results.
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You live on Earth only for a few short years which you call an incarnation, and then you leave your body as an outworn dress and go for refreshment to your true home in the spirit.
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Every marathon starts with that first mile. But somewhere around mile 16 or 18 - trust me on this - your feet are killing you, you're not sure you can breathe anymore, your mind is frazzled, your body wracked with pain, and all you want to do is stop.
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Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
