Jack Roy Quotes
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
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Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.