Jack Roy Quotes
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
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I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.