Jack Roy Quotes
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.