Jack Roy Quotes
-
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
-
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
-
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
-
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
-
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
-
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
-
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
-
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
-
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
-
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
-
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
-
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
-
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
-
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
-
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
-
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
-
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
-
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
-
My wife gives good headache.
-
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
-
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
-
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
-
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
-
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.