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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
Jack Roy -
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
Jack Roy
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My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
Jack Roy -
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
Jack Roy -
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
Jack Roy -
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
Jack Roy -
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
Jack Roy -
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
Jack Roy
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
Jack Roy -
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Jack Roy -
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
Jack Roy -
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
Jack Roy -
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
Jack Roy -
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
Jack Roy
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
Jack Roy -
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Jack Roy -
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
Jack Roy -
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
Jack Roy -
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
Jack Roy -
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Jack Roy
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
Jack Roy -
If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
Jack Roy -
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
Jack Roy -
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
Jack Roy