Jack Roy Quotes
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
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I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.