Jack Roy Quotes
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.