Jack Roy Quotes
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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My wife gives good headache.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
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If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.