Jack Roy Quotes
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
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Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
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I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
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I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
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I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."