Jack Roy Quotes
-
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
-
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
-
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
-
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
-
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
-
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
-
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
-
When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
-
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
-
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
-
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
-
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.
-
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
-
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
-
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
-
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
-
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
-
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
-
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
-
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
-
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
-
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
-
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
-
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.