Jack Roy Quotes
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
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It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
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I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.