Jack Roy Quotes
-
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
-
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
-
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
-
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
-
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
-
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
-
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
-
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
-
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
-
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
-
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
-
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
-
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
-
My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
-
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
-
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
-
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
-
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
-
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
-
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
-
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
-
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
-
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
-
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.