Jack Roy Quotes
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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My wife gives good headache.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.