Jack Roy Quotes
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
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When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
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I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.