Jack Roy Quotes
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.