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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Jack Roy -
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
Jack Roy
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
Jack Roy -
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Jack Roy -
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
Jack Roy -
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Jack Roy -
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Jack Roy
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Jack Roy -
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
Jack Roy -
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
Jack Roy -
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
Jack Roy -
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.
Jack Roy -
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
Jack Roy
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
Jack Roy -
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
Jack Roy -
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Jack Roy -
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
Jack Roy -
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
Jack Roy -
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
Jack Roy
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"
Jack Roy -
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Jack Roy -
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
Jack Roy