Jack Roy Quotes
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
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I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.