Jack Roy Quotes
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."