Jack Roy Quotes
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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My wife gives good headache.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.