Jack Roy Quotes
-
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
-
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
-
We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
-
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
-
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
-
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
-
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
-
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
-
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
-
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
-
Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
-
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
-
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
-
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
-
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
-
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
-
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
-
I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
-
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
-
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
-
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
-
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
-
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
-
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.