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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
Jack Roy -
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Jack Roy
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My wife gives good headache.
Jack Roy -
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Jack Roy -
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Jack Roy -
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
Jack Roy -
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Jack Roy -
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Jack Roy
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
Jack Roy -
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Jack Roy -
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
Jack Roy -
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
Jack Roy -
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Jack Roy -
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
Jack Roy
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Jack Roy -
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Jack Roy -
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Jack Roy -
I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
Jack Roy -
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Jack Roy -
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Jack Roy
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Jack Roy -
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
Jack Roy -
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Jack Roy -
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
Jack Roy