Jack Roy Quotes
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.