Jack Roy Quotes
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!