Jack Roy Quotes
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I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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My wife gives good headache.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.