Jack Roy Quotes
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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My wife gives good headache.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.