Jack Roy Quotes
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.