Jack Roy Quotes
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My wife gives good headache.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."