Jack Roy Quotes
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!