Jack Roy Quotes
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
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If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.