Jack Roy Quotes
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
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Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.