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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
Jack Roy -
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Jack Roy
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
Jack Roy -
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
Jack Roy -
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
Jack Roy -
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Jack Roy -
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Jack Roy -
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
Jack Roy
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
Jack Roy -
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
Jack Roy -
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
Jack Roy -
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
Jack Roy -
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
Jack Roy -
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Jack Roy
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
Jack Roy -
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
Jack Roy -
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
Jack Roy -
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Jack Roy -
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
Jack Roy -
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Jack Roy
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
Jack Roy -
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
Jack Roy -
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
Jack Roy -
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
Jack Roy