Jack Roy Quotes
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.