Jack Roy Quotes
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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I don't get no respect.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.