Jack Roy Quotes
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.