Jack Roy Quotes
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.