Jack Roy Quotes
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.