Jack Roy Quotes
-
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
-
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
-
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
-
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
-
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
-
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
-
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
-
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
-
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
-
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
-
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
-
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
-
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
-
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
-
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
-
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
-
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
-
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
-
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
-
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
-
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
-
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
-
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
-
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.