Jack Roy Quotes
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.