Jack Roy Quotes
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!