Jack Roy Quotes
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.