Jack Roy Quotes
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."