Jack Roy Quotes
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.