Jack Roy Quotes
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.