Jack Roy Quotes
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.