Jack Roy Quotes
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I don't get no respect.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.