Jack Roy Quotes
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'