Jack Roy Quotes
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.