Jack Roy Quotes
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.