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I was a poster child... for birth control!
Jack Roy -
My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
Jack Roy
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
Jack Roy -
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
Jack Roy -
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Jack Roy -
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
Jack Roy -
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
Jack Roy -
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
Jack Roy
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
Jack Roy -
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Jack Roy -
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Jack Roy -
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Jack Roy -
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Jack Roy -
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
Jack Roy
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
Jack Roy -
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Jack Roy -
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
Jack Roy -
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Jack Roy -
...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Jack Roy -
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
Jack Roy
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Jack Roy -
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
Jack Roy -
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
Jack Roy -
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Jack Roy