Jack Roy Quotes
-
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
-
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
-
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
-
When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
-
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
-
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
-
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
-
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
-
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
-
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
-
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
-
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
-
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
-
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
-
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
-
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
-
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
-
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
-
After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
-
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
-
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
-
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
-
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.