Jack Roy Quotes
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I don't get no respect.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.