Jack Roy Quotes
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.