Jack Roy Quotes
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.