Jack Roy Quotes
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.