Jack Roy Quotes
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.