Jack Roy Quotes
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.