Jack Roy Quotes
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!