Jack Roy Quotes
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.