Jack Roy Quotes
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.