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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
Jack Roy -
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
Jack Roy
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Jack Roy -
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Jack Roy -
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Jack Roy -
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
Jack Roy -
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
Jack Roy
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
Jack Roy -
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
Jack Roy -
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Jack Roy -
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
Jack Roy -
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Jack Roy -
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
Jack Roy
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
Jack Roy -
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
Jack Roy -
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
Jack Roy -
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
Jack Roy
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Jack Roy -
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
Jack Roy -
I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
Jack Roy -
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
Jack Roy