Jack Roy Quotes
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.