Jack Roy Quotes
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!