Jack Roy Quotes
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.