Jack Roy Quotes
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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I don't get no respect.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.