Jack Roy Quotes
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I have three kids, one of each.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.