Jack Roy Quotes
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.