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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
Jack Roy -
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
Jack Roy
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
Jack Roy -
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
Jack Roy -
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Jack Roy -
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
Jack Roy -
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Jack Roy -
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
Jack Roy
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Jack Roy -
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
Jack Roy -
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Jack Roy -
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Jack Roy -
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Jack Roy -
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
Jack Roy
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Jack Roy -
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
Jack Roy -
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Jack Roy -
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
Jack Roy -
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Jack Roy
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Jack Roy -
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
Jack Roy -
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
Jack Roy -
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
Jack Roy