Jack Roy Quotes
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!