Jack Roy Quotes
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.