Jack Roy Quotes
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.