Jack Roy Quotes
-
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
-
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
-
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
-
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
-
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
-
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
-
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
-
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
-
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
-
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
-
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
-
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
-
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
-
Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
-
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
-
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
-
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
-
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
-
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
-
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
-
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
-
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
-
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.