Jack Roy Quotes
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.