Jack Roy Quotes
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
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Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.