Jack Roy Quotes
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
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I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
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Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
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I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
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My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?