Jack Roy Quotes
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!