Jack Roy Quotes
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.