Jack Roy Quotes
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
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I can't get no respect.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.