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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Jack Roy -
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
Jack Roy
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
Jack Roy -
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Jack Roy -
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Jack Roy -
I can't get no respect.
Jack Roy -
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
Jack Roy -
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
Jack Roy
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
Jack Roy -
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
Jack Roy -
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Jack Roy -
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
Jack Roy -
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
Jack Roy -
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
Jack Roy
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Jack Roy -
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
Jack Roy -
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Jack Roy -
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
Jack Roy -
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Jack Roy -
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
Jack Roy
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Jack Roy -
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
Jack Roy -
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
Jack Roy -
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Jack Roy