Jack Roy Quotes
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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I can't get no respect.
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I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!