Jack Roy Quotes
-
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
-
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
-
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
-
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
-
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
-
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
-
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
-
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
-
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
-
Life is just a bowl of pits.
-
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
-
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
-
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
-
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
-
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
-
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
-
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
-
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
-
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
-
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
-
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
-
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
-
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.