Jack Roy Quotes
-
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
-
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
-
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
-
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
-
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
-
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
-
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
-
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
-
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
-
Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
-
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
-
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
-
Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
-
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
-
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
-
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
-
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
-
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
-
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
-
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
-
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
-
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
-
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
-
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.