Jack Roy Quotes
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
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I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.