Jack Roy Quotes
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.