Jack Roy Quotes
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.