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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Jack Roy -
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Jack Roy
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
Jack Roy -
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Jack Roy -
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
Jack Roy -
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
Jack Roy -
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
Jack Roy -
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
Jack Roy
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
Jack Roy -
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Jack Roy -
Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
Jack Roy -
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
Jack Roy -
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
Jack Roy -
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Jack Roy
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Jack Roy -
I have three kids, one of each.
Jack Roy -
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
Jack Roy -
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
Jack Roy -
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Jack Roy -
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
Jack Roy
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
Jack Roy -
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
Jack Roy -
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Jack Roy -
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
Jack Roy