Jack Roy Quotes
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.