Jack Roy Quotes
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.