Jack Roy Quotes
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.