Jack Roy Quotes
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.