Jack Roy Quotes
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.