Jack Roy Quotes
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.