Jack Roy Quotes
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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I have three kids, one of each.