Jack Roy Quotes
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When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.