Jack Roy Quotes
-
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
-
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
-
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
-
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
-
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
-
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
-
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
-
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
-
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
-
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
-
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
-
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
-
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
-
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
-
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
-
I have three kids, one of each.
-
Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
-
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
-
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
-
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
-
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
-
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
-
I was a poster child... for birth control!
-
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.