Jack Roy Quotes
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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I don't get no respect.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.