Jack Roy Quotes
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I have three kids, one of each.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.