Jack Roy Quotes
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.