Jack Roy Quotes
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.