Jack Roy Quotes
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!