Jack Roy Quotes
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.