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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Jack Roy -
I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
Jack Roy
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Jack Roy -
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
Jack Roy -
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
Jack Roy -
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Jack Roy -
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
Jack Roy -
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Jack Roy
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Jack Roy -
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
Jack Roy -
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Jack Roy -
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
Jack Roy -
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
Jack Roy -
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Jack Roy
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
Jack Roy -
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
Jack Roy -
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
Jack Roy -
My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
Jack Roy -
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
Jack Roy -
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
Jack Roy
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
Jack Roy -
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
Jack Roy -
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
Jack Roy -
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
Jack Roy