Jack Roy Quotes
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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I don't get no respect.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.