Jack Roy Quotes
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.