Jack Roy Quotes
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I don't get no respect.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.