Jack Roy Quotes
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.