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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Jack Roy -
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
Jack Roy
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
Jack Roy -
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
Jack Roy -
I don't get no respect.
Jack Roy -
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Jack Roy -
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
Jack Roy -
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
Jack Roy
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
Jack Roy -
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Jack Roy -
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
Jack Roy -
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
Jack Roy -
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Jack Roy -
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
Jack Roy
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
Jack Roy -
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Jack Roy -
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
Jack Roy -
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
Jack Roy -
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Jack Roy -
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
Jack Roy
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
Jack Roy -
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Jack Roy -
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Jack Roy -
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
Jack Roy