Jack Roy Quotes
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.