Jack Roy Quotes
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I don't get no respect.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".