Jack Roy Quotes
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.