Jack Roy Quotes
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.