Jack Roy Quotes
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
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My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"