Jack Roy Quotes
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
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In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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People seldom live up to their baby pictures.