Jack Roy Quotes
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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My wife gives good headache.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.