-
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
Jack Roy -
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
Jack Roy
-
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
Jack Roy -
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
Jack Roy -
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
Jack Roy -
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Jack Roy -
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Jack Roy -
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
Jack Roy
-
My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
Jack Roy -
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
Jack Roy -
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
Jack Roy -
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
Jack Roy -
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Jack Roy -
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Jack Roy
-
My wife gives good headache.
Jack Roy -
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
Jack Roy -
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Jack Roy -
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
Jack Roy -
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
Jack Roy -
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Jack Roy
-
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
Jack Roy -
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Jack Roy -
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Jack Roy -
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
Jack Roy