Jack Roy Quotes
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.