Jack Roy Quotes
-
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
-
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
-
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
-
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
-
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
-
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
-
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
-
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
-
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
-
I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
-
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
-
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
-
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
-
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
-
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
-
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
-
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
-
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
-
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
-
I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
-
At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
-
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
-
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
-
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.