Jack Roy Quotes
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People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?