Jack Roy Quotes
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.