Jack Roy Quotes
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.