Jack Roy Quotes
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
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I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.