Jack Roy Quotes
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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My wife gives good headache.
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I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
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My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.