Dane Cook Quotes
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If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
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I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
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I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
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We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
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In the year 3000, everything will be instant.
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I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
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I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.
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That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
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'You told your mother I was gonna blow you up with a fucking pumpkin bomb? What did she say?' 'She. Was. Terrified. She wants me to move home.'
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When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.
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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits. loud cheer Yeah. You could be man of the year or woman of the universe. You're gonna be in your bathroom one day, goin' 'Aah! Ugh! Are there glass shards in my anus?! Aah!' Somewhere, Halle Berry is clutching her Oscar, goin' 'Aah! Aah! Why me? I'm an Oscar winner!'
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
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If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
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I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
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My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.
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I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.
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As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.
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The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
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Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, 'Hey, you wanna go see a movie?' 'Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!'
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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
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I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
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Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass *smack* I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* I'M FROM THE FUTURE!! I'M YOUR SON!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH