Dane Cook Quotes
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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
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I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
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I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like 'AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!'
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I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
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Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
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I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
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When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
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Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.
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I get so into the moment.
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I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.
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I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
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Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass *smack* I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* I'M FROM THE FUTURE!! I'M YOUR SON!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.
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Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, 'Hey, you wanna go see a movie?' 'Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!'
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
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I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.
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In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
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I'm a late-night guy.
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I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the 'Death Star.' I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.