Dane Cook Quotes
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I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy like 15 times 'cause they said they thought he had a a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like 'AHHHHHH! *throws pear* THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!'
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I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!!!
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I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
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My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
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We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits. loud cheer Yeah. You could be man of the year or woman of the universe. You're gonna be in your bathroom one day, goin' 'Aah! Ugh! Are there glass shards in my anus?! Aah!' Somewhere, Halle Berry is clutching her Oscar, goin' 'Aah! Aah! Why me? I'm an Oscar winner!'
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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
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Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
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I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
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When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
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Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.
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I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.
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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
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I get so into the moment.
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I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.
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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
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I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
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Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass *smack* I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* I'M FROM THE FUTURE!! I'M YOUR SON!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, 'Hey, you wanna go see a movie?' 'Fuck that and fuck your movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and NO!'
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I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.
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In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
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I'm a late-night guy.
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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
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I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the 'Death Star.' I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.